A new pet has hit Hollywood: The Dexter Mini Cow. Fuck a Chihuahua — shit is passé. Yorkshire Terrier? Over it. A pugapoo?! Bitch please! Nah, you wanna be like Paris and Britney? It ain’t 2007 — put down those pooches and pick up a Dexter Mini Cow!

Originally from mountainous areas of southern Ireland, the Dexters first arrived in the US in 1905 and are the legit Triple Threat: you can milk ‘em (they produce about 2 gallons a day), use ‘em to pull your Bentley when it breaks down, and eat the tasty bastards when they get un-cute — perfect for Hollywood! (They produce 70% of beef as normal cows.) Costing less than $500 a head, these little fellas will even keep your estate’s landscape well manicured, and are smaller than most large dogs.

Can’t you just see girls rolling up to Teddy’s with one of these babies in their Kate Spade clutches? Now that shit is hot!

(Or, just save them for home. They’re apparently the perfect pet for those with yards and the need for free milk…and lawn-mowing skills…)

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