16 Dec
On a Brave Quest to Become Worst Music Magazine In the History of the Printed Word

Oh my lord, I just can’t keep this to myself anymore. I stands all I can stands and I can’t stands no more. I really don’t like to put down people trying to push music, even styles I don’t care for. In a perfect world, no one’s taste is better than another’s. But in the real world, certain people have really bad taste, and they really shouldn’t be editing music magazines. Look, if you don’t like music or don’t know what you’re talking about, then just edit something else. Cat Fancy, for instance, or American Bow Hunter come to mind — I dunno, whatever fulfills you. But for the love of Thelonious Monk, don’t become a music editor if your definition of music journalism includes features on American Idol contestants. I’m sorry, that just disqualifies you from doing anything remotely involved in music. Period. And Blender, sadly this means you.

Continue reading Madman Mundt’s Blender rant after the Jump…

Blender has always been the music magazine for people with a passing interest in music, and that’s all good and dandy. It’s like for people who want something clever to say about a band they hear on the radio 1000 times a day to their coworkers who are even more clueless. “Well, Peggy, what you may not know about Katy Perry is that she was actually a wholesome Christian act before she kissed a girl. True story. When she was a teenager.” “Reeeally? Are you sure Brad? We listen to KISS all the time here at Human Resources and we’ve never heard that! What are you, a music journalist?” And Brad just kinda smiles smugly, and swaggers back to his desk at Account Receivables with his latest issue of Blender tucked proudly under his arm.

Want proof? OK, howzabout their “Epic Bro-Down” battle in this latest issue, where they pit guys like Sammy Hagar and AC/DC against…this is hard for me even to type…Nickelback and Avenged Sevenfold. Seriously, I shit you not: Avenged Sevenfold. Nickelback. For reals. The best part? The winner: AC/DC? Nope. In Blender’s ultimate wisdom, winner of their “Bro-Down” is…Hinder. Ugggh. Hinder. Hinder?! How many reincarnations of bad Alice In Pearl Garden ripoffs do we need to suffer through for the love of all that is holy??? Didn’t this shit die with Bush? Then again even harder with Creed? This is not even beating a dead horse, this is digging up the carcass of a dead horse, taking a shit on its skull and lighting it on fire.

If you have not yet had the splendor of ever hearing Hinder, here is but a taste of their brogenius. Just close your eyes, and you can almost see Layne Staley wretch in his coffin:

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It’s sort of humorous to see them try to retain some sort of street credibility — it’s almost adorable, like watching a chimpanzee trying to play chess. Awwwe, look — he’s pretending to smoke a pipe while he smashes a rook into the board! How cute!! Memo to Blender Staff: having 3 Lil Wayne features in 4 issues does not make you look cutting edge or hip, it makes you look utterly clueless and unimaginative. Lil Wayne is great and all, but do you need to feature the guy every fucking issue? Wasn’t it enough when you declared him Artist of the Century? Then do you think you could finally remove your choppy Cuisinart blades off his nutsack?

“I like Hinder,” you’re saying. “I wanna hear a story about Lil Wayne told from the perspective of someone who only met him for 27 minutes,” you’re telling me. Ok. Fine. I’ve got nothing against populist appeal — I like my Gwen and Jay and Rhianna as much as the next guy. But then allow me to present you with Evidence C: As if to scientifically prove their utter ignorance in all things music beyond any and all reasonable doubt, they chose Tupac Shakur #1 in their 33 Most Overrated People, Places, Trends and Other Junk In Rock. Tupac! Tupac!! Most Overrated person or place or trend ever in music! Tupac Shakur!!! I shit you not — you could not make this stuff up, no one would ever believe it. This feature is in the same issue, one might add, that they chose to have the Pussycat Dolls on the cover. (Next issue, you ask? Why, Katy Perry of course, who didn’t even crack the list.) Oh, the irony is so thick you could smash a whole overpaid editorial team over the head with it.

In a way, it’s almost admirable. It’s like they’re saying, Fuck You, Metal Edge! Move out the way, Tiger Beat! There’s a new sheriff of sonic mediocrity in town and he rocks a clever distressed font. His name is Blender, pilgrims, and he’s making sure Brad in Account Receivables looks clever evermore…

…until, that is, I go out of business

Here’s another recent issue, where they made the brave decision to put Britney on the cover (how cutting edge!), even though they don’t even interview her. Moreover, they admittedly Photoshopped her face on someone else’s body, for twice the irrelevance. Just cos they wanted Brit Brit on the cover to sell issues doesn’t mean they actually have to show the real Britney. That would be crazy.

Please kind editors of Blender, put the music world out of its misery and go out of business already. Consider it your duty to Thelonious Monk and all the great music of our lives…

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UPDATE: Well, I guess there truly is a music god (then how do you allow Chris Martin to continue breathing, Apollo?), as Blender has finally shuttered its doors for good. For good of the nation, I do believe. Given the Darwinian nature of business, it hardly surprises me that one of the worst magazines in existence would go under. But how many interesting, deserving magazines are next? Makes you wonder…

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