Sometimes you stumble across weirdness on the interwebs and it’s difficult to ascertain whether it’s a helluva well made joke, or if there is a whole world of shit going on that I’m utterly and completely oblivious to. To wit: the Two Handed Great Sword. I really wish I was making this up, but apparently there is an entire marketplace for functioning swords. Like, real swords whose purpose is to stab and slash fools‚ or as they describe, “make short work of pikemen or swordsmen”. Huh? Is there something I’m missing here? Are there counties in America where pikeman attacks and serial swordsmen rapings are occurring at such frequency that one needs to defend oneself from? I’d like to say it’s cosplay stuff, but then why on earth would its ability to cut 20 pounds of raw meat in one swipe by of any use (see video below)? As the gentlemen describes: “The Two Handed Great Sword is the biggest sword we make. But don’t let its size fool you, as there is nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword. Sure it’s big and meant to be carried over the shoulder in its scabbard, but it’s extremely well balanced and easily wielded by people of larger stature and physical strength. Weighing 6 lbs. 13.5 oz. with a 39 7/8” high carbon steel blade, it will make short work of pikemen or swordsmen and will prove equally effective against modern rifle butts and bayonets [bayonets?!]. To protect the hands from opposing weapons, it features a large guard with side rings plus integral parrying hooks that allow the blade to be shortened for close range slashing and stabbing attacks.”

Interesting. All that aside, I think these immortal words say it best: “The Two Handed Great Sword is sturdy, strong and battle ready. If you’re looking for the ultimate in big performance oriented swords, your search is over.” Indeed it is. Pick up yours for only $549.

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