NOTE: Albert Lord is the CEO of Sallie Mae. Sallie Mae is a privately owned American student loan company. If that company were a person, it wouldn’t be like Sally Struthers or even like the mamma of Forrest Gump, Sally Field. It would be more like Kim Jong-il or Dick Cheney.

Dear Mr. Lord (or do you prefer to just be called “Lord”?):

Have you seen the movie Moneyball with Brad Pitt and a pretty rough looking Philip Seymour Hoffman? (can you say Rosacea?).  It’s a good flick. It’s about baseball, which I am sure you love since you’re probably so American. Anyways Mr. Lord, there’s a quote in it that I want to share with you: “There are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there’s 50 feet of crap. And then there’s us.”

The continuing saga of one girl’s plight with unemployment…  hit the Jump to read The Elf’s well-intentioned letter to Mr. Lord, and read previous posts HERE

“It’s just a simple scientific fact: people with too much wealth go crazy and lose their minds…”

Now, you’re a rich team. Not just the company you work at but like you, personally, Mr. Lord. Word on Forbes Street is that you and your family (who I am sure are all nice and sweet and obviously not worrying about college tuition) take in around $5 million a year, if you include “bonuses” and stock options and stuff. Good for you and yours. You make about the same as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore. You probably worked harder and got degrees and things to get where you are now, rather than simply lifting your Ed Hardy top and showing your spray tanned abs at cheesy dance clubs, but seriously, who knows. But with all due respect, you probably were an upstanding citizen and a super smart dude. In a galaxy far, far away.

Mr. Lord I am writing to you not just as a person who is in the “50 feet of crap” and also in the “us” part of the equation depending on my mood (which usually shifts when I get a Sallie Mae bill), but as a concerned citizen. I’m concerned for your well being as one of the “rich teams.” I really mean it. It’s just a simple scientific fact: people with too much wealth go crazy and lose their minds. They get weird. They lose touch and do things like build wood burning pizza ovens in their garden and then #humblebrag about it, or buy tiny diamond collars for their Siamese fighting fish. Just read the history books (back issues of US Magazine or E! True Hollywood Story transcripts, for example). Watch movies. Remember Citizen Kane? Only a wacko would build a fireplace like, fifteen times taller than himself! What about Sunset Boulevard? Norma Desmond lived all alone in that big Hollywood mansion dripping with chandeliers and jewels and furs and she was straight psycho. Little and Big Edie from Grey Gardens — crazy East Hampton bitches! Scarface? He had that nice bathroom but he still dunked his face into a pile of cocaine. Only crazy rich people do that. You see where I’m going Mr. Lord?

Steve Aoki certainly sees where you’re going with this, Elf…

There are real life examples too. For instance, a few years back I interviewed to be the personal assistant to a very famous very wealthy lady in Manhattan. She owned not one but two penthouse apartments next to each other on the Upper East Side. I showed up on time at noon, and was informed that she was still sleeping. Thirty minutes later the lady appeared, her hair was all messy, her clothes wrinkled, and she had a tan to rival George Hamilton and Snooki combined. Why do so many wealthy people look homeless? They’re not in the “50 feet of crap” but they like to look like they are. Maybe it’s like a burglar alarm or pepper spray, but with fashion.

“You’re a stuffy businessman, not Liberace or Andre Leon Talley. Be careful dude…”

Back to this tan, homeless looking rich lady. She held me hostage in her penthouse (doesn’t sound so bad but even penthouses can get scary). The “interview” lasted three hours. In that time, Mr. Lord, she smoked about fifteen cigarettes and gulped about ten Diet Cokes. OK, sure, you’re thinking, not the healthiest lady but she’s not psycho. You’re wrong, Mr. Lord. She also took me into her ice cold, dark bedroom, saying, “I don’t like any sunlight in here and I like to keep it at 53 degrees.” Maybe she was a vampire but I’m pretty sure she was just too rich. She showed me her impressive pillbox (impressive = big and troubling), her collection of sequined tennis shoes (money well spent), and her poodle. The poodle would have been cute and cuddly except for the fact it was stuffed and disturbing. Mr. Lord, I ended up taking a waitressing job.

Sure, right now you’re feeling great. Black AmEx, silent auctions, yacht shoes (which you actually only wear on yachts). But Mr. Lord, a few more years of this and you’re gonna end up wearing a mink turban and a diamond caftan to Kim Kardashian’s third wedding! You’re a stuffy businessman, not Liberace or Andre Leon Talley. Be careful dude. Mr. Lord, I’m not asking you to write me and the other hundreds of thousands or maybe even millions of people who owe Sallie Mae money a big fat check- though we certainly wouldn’t cry if you did do that. We’re not asking for silver spoons, no matter what SOME people who like tea enjoy saying loudly into microphones at podiums.

I’m asking you to peer far, far down from your metaphorically tall yacht shoes and think of “us” in the “50 feet of crap” and maybe, just maybe restructure. Maybe just lower the insanely high interest rates you’re charging us. Maybe actually look at what those interest rates are when your assistant hands you the numbers, instead of ignoring it like you’re probably used to doing. Do you really need $5 million a year, Mr. Lord? Does anyone? We’re not asking for handouts like that super annoying jerk Oliver Twist who kept whining, “Please sir, I want some more.” What nerve. But really, for your own sake, it’ll probably do you some good to give a little. Unless of course you like mink turbans.

With Restraint,

The Elf

Follow The Elf on Twitter @TheElf26 and on Facebook!

5 Responses to “Bureaucracy for Breakfast vol. XXI: An Open Letter To the CEO Of the Vile Succubus”

  1. […] in an organized way about what the greed of companies like Bank of America, Blue Shield, and my own personal fave Sallie Mae are doing to keep us down and their Board of Directors up has been a little puzzling. Part of it is […]

  2. Katcan says:

    So on point, and hilarious!! I love your blog!

  3. Broke says:

    At the end of the day we are talking about Federal taxpayer money that is being loaned out to students so they can pay their college tuition. Sallie Mae is the loan servicer, the middle man. They make the loans and collect the money. The loans are guaranteed by the government, so in the event that a student defaults on the loan, the U.S. Government picks up the tab. Sallie Mae can’t lose.

    Why is lending Federal money to college students a VERY profitable enterprise? Why does the CEO make $5 Million dollars a year loaning government money to students? The business is not risky, not to Sallie Mae as the loans are guaranteed by the government. The business is not complicated; they have a few different types of loans which they make over and over again. It’s not rocket science.

    One of the worst ways that the loan companies mislead students is by the compounding of interest. While your loans are deferred interest accrues. OK. When you start paying again they take that interest and pretend it is principal. So for example: if Sallie Mae loaned you $50,000. First they took out a cut in fees when they gave you the money so your actual check was probably for something more like $46,500 after all the fees. So then you didn’t make payments while you were in school, because you were in school. Then you deferred your loans when you graduated because you were out of work. Now they take all of that accrued interest and add it to your principal. So suddenly you get this bill for $55,000 — they start charging you interest on $55,000 when they only actually really gave you $46,500.

    Let me run Sallie Mae. I will turn it into a break-even situation, as it should be. I would eliminate the compounding of interest, and you would only have to pay me $250,000 a year — which less than the President of the United States’ salary, not tweleve and a half times more.

  4. […] never even touched the cursed, carb-riddled pretzels. These are true stories. Not all wealthy, powerful bosses are horrible. In fact, less power/more tyranny seems to be a pretty fair equation. Still, money can […]

  5. […] never even touched the cursed, carb-riddled pretzels. These are true stories. Not all wealthy, powerful bosses are horrible. In fact, less power/more tyranny seems to be a pretty fair equation. Still, money can […]

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