Read more Bureaucracy for Breakfast HERE
Are you sitting down? OK, great. In this comfy position maybe you can accept this well thought-out thesis without turning into a lamebrain naysayer: Believe it or not, the campy, Vamp’r infested world of True Blood is the perfect place for many of our extreme right wing media whores to inhabit. The seedy underbelly of Bon Temps would embrace shapeshifters like Mitt Romney and succubus demon ladies like Ann Coulter with open claws. Let’s imagine for a moment that the next season of True Blood is a who’s who of the Republican elite. I mean, the show has meth-head werepanthers and sensitive bar owners who morph into vengeful dogs so if you think about it, it’s really not such a stretch to throw Newt G and Sarah P in there, right?
Hit the Jump to read about next season’s True Blood starring your favorite shady Republicans…
“Pa Romney’s devilish plan is to usurp all the power in Bon Temps and then the world by first eating grits with the locals at Sam’s bar…”
Of course, Ma and Pa Romney will lead the pack of villains from their moss-covered plantation (or mansion… whatever) that they bought with all those hard-won millions Pa Romney earned as a poor Mexican tilling the fields while Ma Romney slaved away counting their cash and polishing their silver with her crocodile tears. They take great care to make sure their mansion looks just a wee bit decrepit on the outside so the civilians will think they’re as poor as Ma Romney feels. On the inside of course the Romney Manse will shine like the Chrysler building and have anyone who’s ever been on MTV Cribs speed dialing their decorator. Channeling a withered Mr. Burns, Pa Romney’s devilish plan is to usurp all the power in Bon Temps and then the world by eating grits with the locals at Sam’s bar, finding his “in” so he can then get rid of all the Vamp’rs and then of course control the universe. But even though he’s got great hair, Pa Romney can’t do it alone…
Enter Succubus demon lady Ann Coulter, Pa Romney’s secret mistress who leads a pagan cult and wrote a series of fantasy books called Demonic, Vile and Nefarious which made her very rich. She parties with Romney at underground sex clubs so bizarre they would make even David Lynch blush — this is their secret. Her real plan, of course, is to help her shapeshifting lover rule the universe and then off him by simply looking at him with her cold, dead Medusa eyes until he crumbles to ash.
Only one person knows about the Romney/Coulter plan, and that’s everyone’s favorite gal Sarah P, who runs the Bon Temps Junior League and plays fiddle in the local church band. Everyone loves her — she’s hot. Her handsome husband is secretly addicted to the Vamp’r drug V and often frequents the werepanther meth labs, but Sarah keeps all this under wraps. She has a plan. She’s not sure what that plan is really, but she’s pretty sure it’ll work because she’s no dadgum numbskull!
“Newt and Santorum pretend they’re arch enemies but really they want to destroy Romney by administering a lethal dose of V-laced grits so they can rule Bone Temps together…”
Finally, we have the double threat known as Newt-Santorum. Newt is a native son and follows Ann Coulter’s pagan cult with lusty gusto. Santorum is deeply insane which makes his ironic name the subject of many-a joke at Sam’s bar — usually told by sweet Sarah P to an adoring audience of dumb, drunk men. Newt and Santorum pretend they’re arch enemies but really they want to destroy Romney by administering a lethal dose of V-laced grits so they can rule Bon Temps together. They will then create their own pharmaceutical company called — what else — Santorum Inc, where they will sell the highly addictive V disguised as a blood pressure medicine that also doubles as a mood and performance enhancing drug which will make you live forever regardless of some minor side effects like severe pain and/or untimely death.
Who will win this battle for Bon Temps? Sure we have Sooki and Eric, but with their liberal blood they’ll need to buck up to face this new crop of monsters! Stay tuned…
Ed. If you doubt Romney’s (almost) humorous Montgomery Burns-esque evilness, check out Mad Magazine’s “Who Said It, Mitt Romney or Mr. Burns?” After you stop laughing you’ll realize it’s actually kinda scary. And while you’re at it, follow The Elf on Twitter @TheElf26