Let’s face it: the Zombie Apocalypse is coming. Sure, some might say it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, what with all our collective yearning for some sort of unspoken event/human wipe-out/viral calamity. But those people would be stupid — it won’t be humans that will destroy humanity, it’ll be zombies. Or cannibals. Or eye worms. Or vampires. People are too smart and awesome to destroy the world. But they might as well prepare for it. And what better way to get amped up for the inevitable End Of Days catastrophe than with this uber-well stocked Survival Motope — the ultimate two-wheeled cannibal/stray human hunting machine. There will be almost no ray of hope you won’t be able to squash with the Survival Motoped. Possible accessories include: crossbow (yes, a crossbow), one-gallon gas packs, survival shovel, a tomahawk which every bike-lane driver should have, M48 hawk harpoon, fixed-blade saw, Blackburn X6 light system, Black Diamond carabiners, rope,  Cree mini LED Flashlight, iPhone mount (hmmm, which should you get? the phone carrier or the bone-grinding saw? tough), multifunction knife/light, multi tool and one final little peacebringer called a “tactical warrior neck knife”, which is obviously something that should be easily allowed in the hands of mentally unstable cyclists everywhere. Lame, boring, non-murderous versions of the stripped-down Survival Motoped start at $1,999 — but as to how you build your own mobile zombie mincer, keep watch on their site, and your back.

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