3 Sep
Geoffrey the Giraffe could be the greatest threat to our children

Assemblyman Phil Goldfeder is clearly the greatest thing to clean up the filthy streets of New York City since Mayor Ed Koch was chemical-dowsing trains back in Style Wars. Concerned that stores such as Toys ‘R Us are churning out a future generation of not just vandals but drug-dealing junkies, Assemblyman Goldfeder composed a letter to the Toy’s ‘R Us CEO imploring that Kidffiti Spray Chalk art kits be permanently removed from shelves before more New York children fall into lives of crime and artistic expression. “Graffiti is just the first act of vandalism. It oftentimes leads to drug abuse and drug sales,” he explains in his campaign against Kidffiti Madness. While a bulk of the urban world might think of a set of art chalk or stencils as a productive outlet for a child, or at least a far cry from play cocaine powder or Koolaid syringes, perhaps he is concerned that children will start huffing their toy cans. Lord knows, we wouldn’t want our children to turn out destitute and broke like other vandals such as Banksy, Shepard Fairey, Keith Haring, Swoon and so many others lost in a mire of drug addiction and homelessness.

To show our concern for the heinous crimes that could very well be incited by art toys, we thought we should point out that Kidffiti stencils are now on sale for $1.99 and the can set (which incidentally contains spray chalk, and not methamphetamines or gun powder or the devil’s dried jizz) for $24.99. We firmly suggest you buy them up and donate them to a local grade school. Just doing our parts to clean up the streets, Goldfeder.

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