My first instinct is to warn the youth of America that this is nothing more than a good ol’ fashion rape-and-pillage of an already marginalized (at best) streetwear market. I feel like I should stress the evil ways of corporate America. That it’s nothing more than a consumerized perversion of authentic subcultures. That they’re just playing you for fools, trying to capitalize with shallow marketing gimmicks. Tap into your steez, kid. Warn them this is probably some ploy by Kelloggs to get all the identity stricken youth to buy more sugary sweet cereal. I mean, how else to explain the temptation to wear a steroid-addled, muscle-bound Corn Flakes rooster on your ass?

I guess I shoulda seen this abomination coming as soon as Dig’Em Frog twisted his lid and went all gangsta fly, yo! Little known fact: Dr. John Harvey Kellogg—who also happened to be a Seventh-Day Adventist—invented corn flakes back in the late 19th century in an attempt to keep his patients from having sex. He wanted absolute abstinence, so he imposed a bland food diet. The bastard. Apparently, corn flakes have anaphrodisiac-like properties and lower one’s sex drive. Saltpeter for the late 19th century? Well, that was then—now we have sugary sweet cereal up the ying yang. The competition is heavy. Fucking 4 bucks for a box of Frosted Flakes. Moms can’t afford that shit, but Corn Flakes are usually on sale (shocker). Kids don’t want to eat that without dumping a mound of sugar on it, though. Problem is, sugar isn’t for consumption anymore—it’s for bio fuel. Or Kool Aid, depending on your zip code. Well, that’s what I feel like warning them against. But then I stop and think about what’s currently going on in streetwear these days…how some of the worst, most gawdawful clichés and stereotypes are celebrated. That it’s not just Kellogg trying to capitalize on the foolish, easily manipulated and superficial youth of the world.

I’m looking at you Bathing Ape, all-over print and Alife—for your retina blowing Cookie Monster/Sesame Street atrocity. So go ahead, eat sugar-soaked cereal, have all the sex you want, wear all the heavily embroidered, Fruit Loops jeans your fibrillating little hearts desire. See what I care. I liked you more in your Tony Montana phase anyway…this whole cartoon Tony the Tiger shit is whack.

Pull up your pants.

www.underthehood.com

PS: In an ironic twist of corporate fate, in 1996 the Kellogg Company sued Exxon Corporation (now ExxonMobil) claiming use of the Exxon tiger mascot to sell food at Tiger Mart convenience stores infringed and diluted Kellogg’s Tony the Tiger trademark. But hell, 1996 was like a million years ago and apparently the dude that initiated said lawsuit no longer works for the company. Now that’s Grreeeeaaaat!!!