Some say I’m a man of class and distinction. Well, ok, if you must put a label on philanthropy. I always prefer the term “hero”, “superhero” or at the very least “protagonist”. As a running testament of my overflowing classinocity, I present you with a photographic series I have titled, “I Had No Idea Eva Mendes’s Feet Could Turn Me On So Much: A Study In Boobies”. It’s a fascinating academic meditation on nipples, silk stockings and the Greatest Coke Tray the World Has Ever known.

Who cares if Eva can’t act her way out of a brain-numbing Nicolas Cage stare, the girl can pose. Enjoy these pics of her recent Italian Vogue shoot. And if you can, kiss an Italian today and thank them for convincing Eva to wear heels while stuffing a banana in her mouth. Now that’s classy.

More pics (most def NSFW) after the Space Jump…