There’s this well-known George Carlin quote: “If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter.” I don’t think Mr. Carlin went far enough. Even with shorter arms, people would have found a way to masturbate. Frequently. We’d all be using oddly shaped extenders like those grabbers that elderly people in scooters use to clutch cereal boxes from the top shelf. One of the only surefire ways to prevent masturbation is crucifixion. Crucifixion prevents a whole lot more than masturbation, though. Crucifixion reminds us of Jesus and Jesus reminds all of us not to masturbate. He’s not a fan. Again this is odd considering Jesus spent thirty-three years as a virgin. Overcoming Masturbation is a Mormon created set of guidelines on the no-no of onanism. There are twenty-nine steps in all, and all have the same effectiveness as a 2,000-mile-long wet paper towel running along the US-Mexico border.