Seriously, is this a joke? This is the person John McCain is suggesting should be one heartbeat away from the Presidency? One 72-year-old, 5-time cancer surviving heartbeat, at that? Didn’t I see this chick on The Hun giving blowjobs to 3 rednecks on a trash-strewn boat in Lake Havasu? I mean, are you for real?

I still can’t decide if this is purposeful suicide — admitted defeat after Obama’s widely lauded speech — or the most brilliant plan ever to lock down the finicky American-flag-bikini-wearing/hunting-rifle-pool-bringing contingency. Savvy move, McCain. (Umm, did anyone else notice the pimply teen behind her sucking down a smoke whilst drinking Schlitz? It’s all too rich…)

Can you imagine if any other candidate showed up in a photo like this, what it would do to their reputation? Fuck people — we’re voting for a possible president here, not who we wanna see make it to another week of Temptation Island! (If so, I’d be all down to grant Librarian McCougar another couple weeks of lascivious behavior.) Have I fastforwarded to the universe of Idiocracy here…? I’m half expecting McCain to just go, “Ahh, just kidding folks!” and announce Mitt Romney as his VP any second now.

Another hilarious pic of her daughter Bristol (yes, the pregnant one), enjoying a nearly polished off handle of Captain Morgans after the Jump

UPDATE:

Apparently, the photo above is photoshopped. The Madman stands corrected — Sarah Palin is not a gun-toting, hyper-nationalist zealot/MILF/creationist. My apologies. Oh wait a second, this just in: Sarah Palin actually IS a gun-toting, hyper-nationalist zealot/MILF who doesn’t believe in evolution…it’s just not her in this photo. My bad.

I actually have no problems with the gun-toting MILF part, that’s all fine and dandy. It’s the pseudo-Patriot part where she believes evolution shouldn’t be taught in schools that kind of bugs me out. H-Whaah? How can a grown woman believe that the entire universe was created in 6 days??? What, do you believe in the Tooth Fairy too? It’s all good if you wanna believe in Santa Claus, sugartits, but I just think that makes you unfit to be President. Call me crazy.

Look, the Madman is the last person in the world to discourage teenage drinking. In fact, I say, “Do it, Young America! Go forth bravely!” It’s frankly the only thing that made high school bearable. But I’m also not running for Vice President under the banner of “Family Values”. (I’d be running under the banner of whatever’s completely polar opposite — “Bachelor Values”?) I’m not sure you can say you run a “wholesome” family when you’re dressing like a slutted out secretary on Margarita Night, and your teenage daughter’s getting knocked up by the local hockey captain/self-described “redneck”, all while chugging handles of the Captain. What conservative values does that correspond to, exactly? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that the whole point of being a liberal? Don’t pretend you’re better than me, then behind closed doors get more fucked up than an Irish sailor on shore leave.

The hypocrisy is a bit stunning, even for a politician.

Bottoms up, Bristol!

Somewhere in some happy hour bar in Anchorage, Alaska, some guy with a mullet just raised his eyebrow and said, “Bingo”…